Nikkie Tutorials: Transphobia and the Irony of Consent for All
The premise is this: trans men and women do not need to tell their partner (whether long term or one night stand) that they were not biologically born the way they now present in the world. And if you disagree with that notion, well, of course you are transphobic. The end.
The irony in all of this and a part of the conversation I don’t hear being circulated much is that in this sexually liberal, anything goes, dating-apps and hook ups, equality- for- all age we are living in, the idea of consent as something more than just an ideology and rather a practice, is something that we have been acclimated to, particularly in the past 5 years.
So it really serves as a point of confusion …and contention when the lines become blurry in the case of trans people and the argument that they are not obligated to tell their romantic partners about their transition. And that’s …true…they aren’t obligated but what does that say about the very real issue of consent outside the conventional context it is used in?
I’ll whittle this down to a very recent and very ‘pop culture,’ reference. Nikkie Tutorials has been on YouTube since I was a teenager (and likewise so was she). She’s built a brand and a steadfast reputation as a go-to beauty guru for a niche audience. Just this week she made a video entitled ‘I’m Coming Out,’ which was not about her sexuality but her gender. She revealed she was born a boy and went through early transition in her younger years. However many people noted how problematic they found her reference to her fiancée Dylan not being aware of her trans-identity from the offset.
She states in her 19 minute video that “Everything felt so magical,” and she did not want to risk losing him. She goes on to say “of course he was shocked,” but that he “knows now.” The issue of revealing ones’ identity whatever that may be to the individual is a really touchy one to say the least. The whole situation was brought about as she had been blackmailed by an unknown source. She also talked about the very real nature of safety when it comes to meeting new romantic partners and feeling that it may not be the right time or way to tell them — citing it can be “scary and dangerous.”
That’s very true for all trans people, particularly those who have transitioned from male to female due to the volatile nature of human beings — particularly heterosexual men. Repercussions can be deadly, particularly if you’re black or brown. However, if she deserves a right to stand in her truth and make informed choices about who she invites into her love life then she should give Dylan that same respect and space — whether he is now okay with her decision not to tell him from the beginning or not.
It is simply not fair to essentially hide a very critical piece of information about who you are — when it can effect someone else so deeply. What if he had fallen for her and decided he wanted biological kids with her without knowing the reality that this could not be a possibility? How do you predict someone’s history and their triggers? Some men are so overcome with guilt, shame and/or confusion when the information is revealed (in whatever way that may come about) that they too can be left vulnerable to suicide, emotional trauma and a range of other issues. And this can put many people like Nikkie Tutorials at such a grave risk of violence and retribution. That does not make it right but it is a reality.
I am not saying that her presence as a transwoman should be ridiculed or rejected. I am simply asking for more transwomen like Nikkie, to be honest about who they are with their partners. To treat them with the dignity and respect that allowing someone to make the consensual choice to be with you for who you are brings.
